The Many Faces of Chicago Men, Part III

And now for the conclusion of the enthralling three part series of my quest to discover the Men of Chicago.

As mentioned before the Douchebag is hated by many people. This next species is one of them:

The Hipster
The Hipster can be spotted in a 4-step process: 1)brooding look 2) skin-tight jeans, hoodie, maybe sunglasses (is it me, or does this style say Unabomber?) 3) rolled cigarette hanging out of their mouth 4) can of Pabst in hand. Something tells me that Hipsters unite all around the country and that their styles don't change from coast to coast. Chicago Hipsters tend to live in/around Logan Square, the western part of Lakeview (but far enough from Wrigley), and if they're independently wealthy (or with a roomate), Wicker Park.

The Adam Levine Wannabe
These guys are very hard to pinpoint--are they metrosexual/gay/wannabe hipsters or none of the above? If you notice Figure A to the right, this is the template of these ambiguous men of Chicago. I've often wondered about Adam Levine myself--he's most likely straight because his many conquests are tabloid fodder, yet he dresses in tailored suits, dress shoes--but what's with all the tattoos, the faux hawk you started sporting once your album dropped last year and the Hipster sunglasses??! This isn't junior high, don't try to be someone you're not. Sorry, went off tangent there. Probably because he's too hot to not stare at on a regular basis.

Ok back to the group....They pair pink Lacoste polos and mutton chops. Converse and a few tattoos but a wardrobe full of John Varvatos. I have encountered this specimen in many neighborhoods but I'm willing to pinpoint their main habitat somewhere around the convergence of River North, Old Town, and Wicker Park.

And, last but not least The Jr. Superfan

Readers, at the present time it is baseball season. The Jr. Superfan is in full-force. They are EASILY spotted in a polo of the American Eagle/Abercrombie/Gap, etc. variety (as if they could afford a Lacoste with that shit recruiting job). Usually a dumb-founded look is upon their face, along with a can of beer (nothing light mind you), and a protruding belly. These men represent the future diabetics of Chicago (oh shit, I'm gonna get in trouble for this one). In addition to their stomping grounds in/around Soldier Field, any Big 10 tailgate, Wrigley...you'll see them at pizza joints, hot dog stands, you know the drill. These men make you pine for the low BMI'd, health nuts of Denver.

Once football season is upon us I'm sure I will encounter many more Jr. Superfans. For now, I'm just glad that the majority of the men I see on a day-to-day are young, hot and gay and in no way a threat to me ;)

The Many Faces of Chicago Men, Part II

As promised another installment of a wonderfully, stereotypical series:

The White Sox Fan
Word on the street is they don't run in these parts and I'm beginning to think they don't exist! If I snag one in the wild trenches of the Northside I'll report back with my findings.

The Guido
Ah, the Guido... He is a charming character found not only in Chicago, but many regions of the US including Los Angeles, Bayonne, NJ and Philadelphia. While Figure A defines the Guido of New England, Figure B (shown at the top) is the standard Guido fare of Chicago.
The Guido may live in several different neighborhoods of Chicago. When encountering one you may not know at first glance if they're Italian, Mexican or Latino. Either way, you'll know you've encountered one if a muscular or chubby fellow like Figure B walks by in requisite wife beater and either tight jeans or track pants and sneakers or sandals.
Guidos often whistle, so you'll know when to run like the wind--just don't run all the way to Pilsen.

Mother's Day conversation

Mom: I heard you called earlier.

Me: Yes, I thought you were still out at brunch.

Mom: Oh, I just got back. It was really nice.

banter
banter
banter

Mom: How was the weather today?

Me: Oh, um...I think it was raining?

Mom: What, you don't know?

Me: No, it's just that I got up at 1.

Mom: Sounds like someone was out.

Me: Yeah, and I'm still hungover. I mean, I puked inside this club last night. And then once we left, I puked outside some more. And now, I'm like still not well. I think most of the sickness ended like 2 hours ago.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!